Ask The Reverend

(First Published on The International Society of Supervillains 04/10/2009)


Dear Reverend Rogue,

I'm a 15 year old girl. My problem is, all my friends keep coming to school wearing new clothes, and I'm stuck wearing hand me downs from my siblings. My family doesn't have a lot of money, but it makes me feel inferior to my friends when I see them coming to school in all their new clothes and jewelry. What should I do?

-Jealous in Colorado

Dear Jealous,
The problem here seems to be that you're not happy with yourself. The problem here isn't money or the lack of new clothes. The problem here is that your friends are insolent and should bow down to you. If they had already done this, then money and new clothes would soon follow. From your friends. Whether they liked it or not. Clearly, since you have let this problem go on for so long, there is no way to reverse it with your current set of friends. The only solution is to destroy them all and make new friends. Possibly from scratch. You may laugh now, but cybernetic friends armed with extremely large lazers and bio-vaporizers are handy when it comes to gathering money and cool new threads.

Dear Reverend Rogue,

I'm a twenty-three year old man, who has recently finished getting my college degree in bio-chemistry. I haven't gotten a job yet, because I have a large inheritance from my deceased parents (who were murdered in front of me by an unknown gunman when I was 7) and have also taken the reins of my father's company. My problem is, lately...I've been getting the urge to dress up in a costume and fight crime. I'm not sure where this urge is coming from, and I'm afraid to tell any of my friends because I'm afraid they won't understand. I should also mention that I think I have discovered a formula in my lab that will give me super human powers. I'm not sure how to proceed. What should I do?

-In The Closet in Gotham

Dear "In The Closet"
I sympathize with your plight, but I'm afraid that there is really one one solution to this. You must destroy yourself. You now have the potential of destroying the lives of everyone around you, and as a potential superhero, you wouldn't want that. You would be much better off sparing them the pain of being captured and murdered by some clever supervillain, and finding the nearest high ceiling and short rope. Of course, if this doesn't appeal to you, we have specialists who might be able to help you. As a matter of fact, I have already dispatched a few of my "specialist" to your return address who will be able to treat you of this malady. They are also instructed to return with your "Super power formula", so leave it out somewhere they can find it, please...thanks.