The Dollocaust

Pop Quiz kids: What is the most truly horrifying place on Earth? Answer: The Doll section of Toys R' Us. Have you BEEN to one of these fucking places before? HUNDREDS of funny eyed fake babies...in various packaging and coming with all sorts of accessories...screaming, crying, and telling you that they are hungry. This is true. They ARE hungry. For your FUCKING SOUL! If there is any place on earth that an "inanimate object" is likely to come to life and hack your ass to bits using a Bob the Builder playset...it is in this place.

This little scamp comes complete with a stethoscope. It KNOWS if you play dead.

Now, I know many of you aren't familiar with this section, and usually only pass through it on your way to the video games or collectibles section of the store. And perhaps you've never felt that pervading sense of danger that seems to loom over the doll section like some kind of ancient curse that threatens to make your genitals turn to goo and run down your pants leg. I assure you, this is perfectly normal for the doll section. Well, maybe not the genitals turning to goo thing. That only happens if you're exposed for more than say, half an hour. Sort of like Victoria's Secret, where guys will develop breasts and women will develop...errrr...larger breasts....if exposed to this place too long. It's rumored that Victoria's Secret employee's actually have a caliber rating on their bra's equivalent to a .50 Cal rifle, in case their overly enormous breasts should snap their confines and kill a customer. The military is looking into this.

This Doll was in Victoria's Secret overnight, apparently.

However, I digress. The point is this: the doll section is a danger to your soul. Again, I'm not speaking of the Barbie doll section, which is mostly dangerous to young girls sense of self worth. There is a REASON why the baby dolls are strapped into those boxes like miniature versions of Hannibal Lecter, with their little hands and legs tied in with that plastic cord. They can sense you. At any moment, it's likely that their little dropping baby doll eyes will flutter open, and they'll break free of their individual restraints and take you down like a fucking gazelle. And if you should run...they actually make fucking tricycles and roller skates for them to chase you down with. Could it get much worse than this?

Note the breastfeeding baby and accompanying 7 year old. WTF?

And yes, I HAVE considered the Small World ride at Disney World. Which, while dangerous...THOSE dolls are at least kept in line by highly trained doll wranglers which zap them with cattle prods when they get out of line, and aren't afraid to invoke the all powerful spirit of Ba'hb, which would send them back to the depths of hell, where they belong.

No, the doll aisle is much more dangerous. This will be the birthplace of human destruction. They will all come to life all at once, in some kind of freakish, human eating frenzy...and begin their slow, deliberate march across the earth...destroying mankind as they go. The last words many of us will hear will be "I'm hungrrry. Feed me mommy!" Such is the beginnings of "The Dollocaust".

This "baby" is made of chocolate. Nuff said.

And guess what? It's nearing the Holidays. People are going to buy these things. Their evil influence is going to spread. You may find one in your own home soon...very, very soon.