Generally, we here at the Evil Villains International League (E.V.I.L.) aren't what you would call...superstitious. In the never ending battle against the pansy forces of good, we generally go about our cycle and not really worry whats up with the rest of the world. Plot, do battle with nemesis, achieve either victory or defeat, kill a few henchmen in frustration (or celebration) of aforementioned outcome...rinse, lather, repeat.
However, even we have to start taking notice when, among the death threats, henchmen applications, and promises of a larger penis...we get this in our email:
Rut ro. How long has THIS been going on? And how much has he seen? Not that we're saying we believe the whole "salvation" deal, but as villains, we're usually careful about hedging our bets. So, we began to do more digging and research into whether this may actually be a sign of the end of days. And the results aren't pretty.
#1: Brothers rise against Brothers...sort of.
Simulated nerd rage, reenacted by Spock.
With the release of the newest bastardization of Star Trek, we all find ourselves just a little closer to hell. And apparently, Mr. Abrams wanted to accentuate this by making the younger Spock a complete dickhead. We're not out to spoil any plot points of the movie for those of you who still want to go see it...but we would like to point out that Leonard Nimoy himself helped dropkick this abortion of the franchise into Oblivion. So, now we've come full circle...if the Trekkers see this movie, and get pissed off enough, the world will end for sure. The pure power of so much nerd rage being whined onto internet forums at the same time is sure to make the interweb collapse upon itself like a black hole, in some kind of retaliation/self defense mechanism. Thus will end internet commerce. A return to paper porn will be in order. The cost of masturbation will go up, morality will sink, and eventually fights will break out at the local gas station for the last copy of Hustler. It will indeed be dark days.
Coincidentally, Mr. Nimoy advises you check out his photography site before this happens.
#2: Rise of the Anti-Christ
The end of us all. Probably.
With the amount of children this power couple is adopting and/or popping out more frequently than their movies, what's the chances that they DON'T inadvertently shoot out an anti-christ or two? Just sayin'.
#3: Plagues and other not so funny shit
They gotta fly before they flu
So, here we are...pinnacles of a civilized species. We've got cable tv, the internet, billion dollar industries...and we're gonna die from a fucking disease that came from pigs. We're not sure how everyone else is taking this news, but we here at the ISS are calling bullshit. We've spent all this time cultivating relationships with our damned nemesis', and now...instead of finally destroying them and ruling the world, as it should be, we have these damned swine that are hellbent on giving us the sniffles. And not just any sniffles, either...but the heebie jeebie not so goodtime yo' ass might die sniffles.
Note that we aren't basing this opinion on the current strain of the flu going around now, but swine flu 4.0, possibly coming down next summer. The one that will make you crap out your eyes and bleed from your genitals. Cause ya know...that's how the next swine flu swings, baby.
#4: The Economy, or "How I Learned to Relax and Love Working at McDonald's"
BAD Economy! BAD!
Once upon a time, we lived in the land of the plentiful. People spent money on useless stuff, because they had too much money. Even us supervillains were a little lax in the spending department. Back in those days, we actually PAID henchmen, rather than beating them mercilessly until they do our bidding.
Now, we have to accept the fact that we're all going to have to tighten our belts, and do what we have to do to make it through these difficult times. For example, we have it on good authority that Lady U is currently saving money by only using one bullet to kill someone. MW's head on a Robot's body has cut back on power, going from a car battery to a couple of 12 volts. And Dr. Puppykicker is doing his part by kicking more puppies...but now doing it faster and harder, thus more efficiently. His theory that this will generate energy over time is still unconfirmed.
By our count, there's still at LEAST two more signs of the apocalypse. The dead, returning from the grave is one of them...Robert Downey Jr's career nonwithstanding. In the meantime, we'll keep an eye out for the end...