I've been a super villain for a few years now, but I just haven't been able to break out of the mold of "minor annoyance" into the sphere of "arch nemesis". I think it's because of my powers. See, I'm pretty good with electronics and the like, and I built a suit to defeat a certain wall crawling hero in my city. The problem is...the only thing my suit actually does is make me REALLY friggin' tall. That's pretty much it. It extends my legs and I'm walking around on stilts. I mean...it also makes me stronger, but I'm moving around so awkwardly that actually getting my hands on anything is nearly impossible. All the other villains laugh at me! What should I do?-Too Tall in New York
Dear Too Tall,
Well, here's your problem. Unless you can find a bank which keeps it's vault on a higher floor...and REALLY close to a window...you've little chance of doing anything outstanding that doesn't require a basketball. Face it. You've limited yourself to a very stupid ability, and now you're stuck with it. I just don't think Super villaining is for you. However, I do have a few suggestions for other jobs you could do. Telephone line repairman, industrial window washer...there's a lot of jobs out there that require strong, overly tall individuals like yourself. Get to lookin'!
Dear Reverend Rogue,
I never thought I would find myself writing to a Super villain advice columnist, but I'm at my wits end. You see, I've been seeing a girl for a while, and everything was going well until a few days ago when we tried to "seal the deal". You see, my power is...super speed. And while it comes in handy when fighting nefarious super villains like yourself...no disrespect...it seems to be less than useful when it comes to other things. This is putting a real cramp in my style. Any advice?
-Flash Fast Lover in Metropolis
Dear Flash Fast Lover,
Man, sounds like that would be cramping other things as well! Well, normally I'm not in the habit of doling out advice to hero's, but since this is special circumstances, I'll try to help. First, to avoid hurting your lover...you'll need some kind of lubricant. After all, that kind of friction at that kind of speed is liable to hurt! Of course, not just any kind of lube will do. I suggest using 10 W40 weight motor oil, which is made for that kind of punishment. Just apply it liberally down there, for her protection. Secondly, you'll want to relax. Maybe she'll want to also. I suggest lighting up a nice, tasty menthol. You'll want it after. Hell, smoke one during too. And never underestimate the feel of some good old fashioned kerosene on a woman's skin! If you follow these simple rules of thumb, you'll be a hunka hunka burnin' love in no time.
Trust me. I'm a super villain. We're all kindsa kinky.