Squirrel?

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Meanwhile, in suburbia...

Some of you may have noticed that the webcomics appearing on WUITS are from stripcreator.com. The reason for this, of course, is that I can't draw worth a shit. I am an extraordinarily inept artist, so it's much appreciated that we can use such a website to create graphics for my own. All characters are still property of their respective authors. We show our appreciation for they're letting us use them by...of course...stealing them. We're villains. It's sorta our thing.

Waking Up In The Suburbs

Waking Up In The Suburbs

The Dollocaust

Pop Quiz kids: What is the most truly horrifying place on Earth? Answer: The Doll section of Toys R' Us. Have you BEEN to one of these fucking places before? HUNDREDS of funny eyed fake babies...in various packaging and coming with all sorts of accessories...screaming, crying, and telling you that they are hungry. This is true. They ARE hungry. For your FUCKING SOUL! If there is any place on earth that an "inanimate object" is likely to come to life and hack your ass to bits using a Bob the Builder playset...it is in this place.

This little scamp comes complete with a stethoscope. It KNOWS if you play dead.

Now, I know many of you aren't familiar with this section, and usually only pass through it on your way to the video games or collectibles section of the store. And perhaps you've never felt that pervading sense of danger that seems to loom over the doll section like some kind of ancient curse that threatens to make your genitals turn to goo and run down your pants leg. I assure you, this is perfectly normal for the doll section. Well, maybe not the genitals turning to goo thing. That only happens if you're exposed for more than say, half an hour. Sort of like Victoria's Secret, where guys will develop breasts and women will develop...errrr...larger breasts....if exposed to this place too long. It's rumored that Victoria's Secret employee's actually have a caliber rating on their bra's equivalent to a .50 Cal rifle, in case their overly enormous breasts should snap their confines and kill a customer. The military is looking into this.

This Doll was in Victoria's Secret overnight, apparently.

However, I digress. The point is this: the doll section is a danger to your soul. Again, I'm not speaking of the Barbie doll section, which is mostly dangerous to young girls sense of self worth. There is a REASON why the baby dolls are strapped into those boxes like miniature versions of Hannibal Lecter, with their little hands and legs tied in with that plastic cord. They can sense you. At any moment, it's likely that their little dropping baby doll eyes will flutter open, and they'll break free of their individual restraints and take you down like a fucking gazelle. And if you should run...they actually make fucking tricycles and roller skates for them to chase you down with. Could it get much worse than this?

Note the breastfeeding baby and accompanying 7 year old. WTF?

And yes, I HAVE considered the Small World ride at Disney World. Which, while dangerous...THOSE dolls are at least kept in line by highly trained doll wranglers which zap them with cattle prods when they get out of line, and aren't afraid to invoke the all powerful spirit of Ba'hb, which would send them back to the depths of hell, where they belong.

No, the doll aisle is much more dangerous. This will be the birthplace of human destruction. They will all come to life all at once, in some kind of freakish, human eating frenzy...and begin their slow, deliberate march across the earth...destroying mankind as they go. The last words many of us will hear will be "I'm hungrrry. Feed me mommy!" Such is the beginnings of "The Dollocaust".

This "baby" is made of chocolate. Nuff said.

And guess what? It's nearing the Holidays. People are going to buy these things. Their evil influence is going to spread. You may find one in your own home soon...very, very soon.

But Can She Jog?

You know, we here at Waking Up In The Suburbs aren't usually the type to point fingers. We actually prefer more sharp, pointy type objects. So, when we saw this video, we thought..."Holy SHIT, this chick is a verifiable Super Villainess!"

Also, we were scared shitless at the fact that she could possibly crush us with her mammoth mammaries. Look at these things! They're fuggin' HUGE!



Oh...dear...God. There are some things in this world that should not be. Cthu'lu, various types of weird ass fish, and destructive tits. We like boobs. Hey, boobs are one of the things that makes the world go round, right? But we're pretty sure that boobs should not have the same destructive power of a wrecking ball.

Did we mention that her breasts...collectively...are about half the size of the Liberty Bell? This gives us an idea. Dress her up in red, white and blue, and send HER over to deal with terrorism. All the terrorists last words, as they rush out to meet their fate, will run something along the lines of "Ji-...huh?"

The ISS Takes On: More Real Life Superhero's

Pictured: Idiots

I quote now from Cityweekly.net.

They hide their true identities behind elaborate masks and costumes, patrolling the streets of downtown Salt Lake City in groups of two and three. People react to them in various ways: Older folks tend to ignore them. Drunken young adults want to pose with them for photos. Teenagers tend to hiss, growl and shout in their general direction, while children walk right up to them and ask what they are doing. Despite the masks and secret identities, they're completely open about their purpose.

Ahhh. We've apparently uncovered a group of superheroes. Either that, or a bunch of guys who like dressing up a bit too much. Lets see how one of the members responds when questioned about their costume.

A girl of about 14 breaks from the mass of tittering boys and bravely approaches Inferno. He's wearing a red hood and tunic, thigh-high pleather boots, and a matching black pleather mask that covers his eyes and nose. She breaks the awkward silence: "Can I ask about your costume?"

Inferno nods, unconsciously touches his red goatee and answers: "I'm part of the Black Monday Society."

The girl cocks her head. "The Black Monday Society?"

"Yeah," Inferno begins, a little more comfortable now, getting into a well-worn groove, "We just walk around, you know, patrol the streets."

Yeah, cause..ya know, guys walking around in Halloween costumes patrolling the streets is apparently pretty normal in Salt Lake City, which is noted not being populated by religious nuts.

I knew now that I had no choice. To find out more about these societies, I had to infiltrate the ranks of heroes themselves.

Hello to all of you fellow heroes! For several years now, I thought I was alone. Trying on tight fitting costumes in private, feeling insecure about how I looked...about my thoughts on how I could serve my community and exactly how I would go about doing this. I mean, I've always wanted to be looked up to by the younger people in my community. In short, I wanted to be a super hero...and take down all the super villains in this world. I mean, they're all smug, thinking there isn't anyone who can take them down, right? Thinking there's not anyone willing to put their life and their mothers underwear on the line to serve humanity.

I've been trying really hard to develop some sort of unique "power" of sorts. Maybe something like having a whip that makes people tell the truth or something. But I think that one's been taken. Anyway, does anyone have advice for aspiring young hero on the rise? I would appreciate all the help I can get! Thanks!

The bait is set, kiddies! Stay tuned for more on this in depth report from the front!

Agenda of Last Bi-Monthly Meeting

As most of us know, last Friday was the bi-monthly "State of the Society" meeting, where we share secret strategies, listen to guest speakers, and plot against one another. Of course everyone truly knows that these meetings mean 3 things:

• Free coffee and donuts.
• Watching a supervillain training video (i.e. "Sexual Harassment in the Villainous Workplace: A How To Guide", or "Lab Accidents and You: How not To Create a Super-Nemesis".)
• Complete and unadulterated boredom.

However, at our last meeting, we had a motivational speaker stop by who outlined a few strategies that may in fact help us with our plans for world domination. Here is one of the flowcharts from the meeting.

As you can see, it's a pretty simple plan, and there doesn't appear to be any real way to muck it up. However, there were a few members who did express concerns about the general lack of laser beams, nuclear reactors, and/or the destruction of their nemesis. Others complained that the donuts were at least a day old, and the coffee filter hadn't been changed since the last meeting.

For the first group, rest assured that ISS scientists are looking for ways to incorporate these items into the overall plan. For the second group of whiners, we will be sending you an official ISS apology in the mail.

Don't mind the ticking. It's probably a watch.

4 Reasons to Dominate the Earth

Fast Cars

Like everyone else, every supervillain sees themselves speeding down the highways driving the hottest, fastest car that money can buy. Their hair (antennae, bald scalp, fur, whatever) flying in the wind, without a care in the world.

Unfortunately, due to the world's governments and all the "safety protocols" they have in place, we can't drive as quickly and as recklessly as we would like. You might think this is a bad reason to wish to over throw the current world order, and that NO one would go to all that trouble just to drive as fast as you want. Ladies and gentlemen, we present...the Autobahn.

The German Autobahn has a recommended speed limit of at least 130 km/h (80 mph), though there is no legal speed limit to keep drivers from tear assing through the German countryside.

Even we here at the ISS all agree that Hitler was a complete douche, but we know supervillain reasoning when we see it. Therefore, it's little wonder that the Nazi regime made this one of their major projects when Hitler came to power. Sure, the building of the autobahn created lots of jobs for the German people, but this didn't keep the Nazis from later using slave labor to finish the job.

We'll probably steal this idea and build our own Autobahn when we come to power. However, this one will be built using all slave labor. Namely rich, white, tax evading executives.

Revenge

Who hasn't had someone kick sand in their face? Or perhaps not listen to us, or even blacklist us, because our experiments made mockeries of human life or were perhaps a tad too dangerous? Maybe someone stole your girl/boyfriend? The point is, everyone has someone that we want to grovel at our feet and beg our forgiveness. This would usually precede us vaporizing them and spitting into the ashes of whatever happens to be left.

Well, supervillains are usually supervillains for a reason. We've been ostracized from society, or perhaps we're just people who have been hurt deeply. By the very people we care so much about. We're all just lost babes in the woods who are misunderstood because of our inherent desire to destroy anything and everything that isn't us. Sure, we all wish we could be understood. But, we'll settle for enslaving the unbelievers and razing their homes to the ground. (We're villains.)

Puppies

Everyone loves puppies. They're so cute, lovable, and, most importantly, loyal. Which is why it pisses us off when the government tells us we can't use science to turn our cute, lovable companions into homicidal, vampire like mutants that hunger for human flesh and will attack anyone on our command.

In a perfect world, every supervillain would be able to have a super pet which would keep the Heroes at bay, while also being furry and rather nice to scratch behind the ears while thinking up evil schemes. Face it: Having a superdog would kick ass! Who would fuck with you when you have an evil, drooling, ball of claws and teeth ready and willing to bite people on the niz-uts?

Me: "I believe I'll be taking my Doctorate now, Dr. Fielding."
Them: "But you're not even enrolled! You've never attended a single class!"
Fluffy: GROWLSNARL
Them: "And how would you like your name to read on the certificate, Mr. Rogue?"

Kickass.