Waking up In The Suburbs: The gritty Reboot

Waking Up In The Suburbs

The Anatomy of a Mastermind Part 1

People often ask (right before they get turned into a smoking pile of dust, usually)..."How do I, your everyday Joe, become an evil criminal mastermind?". Well, Joe...if that is your real name...which if it is, it's stupid, and you should change it immediately...we here at WUITS have put together a handbook of sorts, for those of you budding villains in training who would like to make something of themselves one day. This guide should not be confused with how to become a Supervillain. You can find an outstanding guide for supervillainy at The-ISS.com, where it is described in detail how best to choose your name and costume.


No, a criminal mastermind is much different than your garden variety supervillain. A Supervillain, by their very nature, is someone who has some sort of gimmick. Usually, this person started out as some kind of scientist, developed a serum or suit of some type that allowed them to cause all kinds of havoc, and have since gone on to get their asses kicked by various costumed super heroes.

This isn't always a bad thing

A Mastermind, however, is slightly more devious. You find some masterminds who have been confused with supervillains for many years. Think of say, Lex Luthor...or the Joker. The Joker, for example, is quite insane. But he doesn't generally go for a one on one battle against his nemesis. No, he knows that one on one, Batman will kick his ass every time. So, he uses his brain. He get's others to do things FOR him. He PLANS. This is what a mastermind does. He sets out creative plots to out-wit his opponent. In a way, it's like highschool all over again. Everyone LOVES the jocks (superheroes), while the more intelligent nerds (masterminds) get relegated to being picked on and stopped at every turn. Not because their nemesis is necessarily smarter, but because they can pick up a fucking dumptruck and smash the hell out of you with it. Many a good plan has gone to waste, because the mastermind...who had so painstakenly planned out his or her every move...gets smooshed at the last minute by some ridiculously overpowered hero who just happens to get lucky.

1. BECOMING THE MASTERMIND

Hot Asian assistant's are optional, but highly recommended.

It's been conjectured that every evil mastermind must have some kind of backstory that explains how they became the way they are. Usually, something tragic that made them hate the human race to a degree that is usually reserved for how woodchippers feel about wood (they really fucking HATE wood). But, the sad simple truth is...usually, your normal, everyday criminal mastermind is just generally not a people person.

Pictured: Anti-social. And possibly ridiculous.

So, you might ask..."Do you hate me, the everyday Joe who is looking to become a mastermind one day?". Well, there is a simple test. Are you breathing? If the answer is yes, then we hate you. If the answer is no, then you are some sort of fucking zombie. We hate zombies. So again, yes. Basically, if you have the nerve to exist on our planet, we probably hate you. There's no need for a long winded backstory about somebody stealing our girlfriend, or wouldn't listen to us when we knew we were smarter than our scientist brethren. That sort of thing is for chumps. A true mastermind has one goal. Power. Someone else has it, we want it. End of story.

2. AVOIDING COMMON MISTAKES: THE DEUS EX MACHINA

This is why we love Google image search.

Ok, you've went to a lot of trouble to plan something. Literally years of effort hinges upon the next few days...or in some cases, hours. Suddenly, you are faced with a hero. Shit. Suddenly, everything that makes you a genius goes right out the fucking window. This is a common mistake with Bond Villains. It's so cliche that it's been made fun of for literally years. So, why the hell do we keep capturing the hero and putting them into some sort of stupid trap? Usually leaving them right after we explain our entire plan? One word. Vanity.

When you get so bent out of shape trying to show how superior you are, mentally...there is a tendency to overthink your nemesis's demise. Sure, dropping them in a tank with a shark sounds cool as fuck, but honestly...99% of the time, these hero's pull tricks right out of their ass to save the day, and the mastermind usually ends up biting it at the last minute by falling off something high onto...or into...something extremely final. We have to be aware of the deus ex machina, and be prepared for that shit. When you just leave the hero to their own device, they ARE going to find a way out of it. No matter how laughably complex your plan, some asshole always brings shark repellent. Sometimes, a simple round to the temple is probably for the best. Unless your nemesis is fucking superman, in which case...what the FUCK were you thinking? You piss that guy off, he'll rip out your spine and sodomize you with it. 


3. COSTUMES: HOW TO DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Ok, I know we mentioned that we would not be talking about costumes. And really, we're not. The common villain might want to dress themselves up and have a secret identity, just like the hero's do. But lets face it. The hero's almost always know the villains real name, what they look like, where they grow up...because usually, they've caught these assholes before.

We do make exceptions.

A mastermind knows that less is more. Why make yourself stand out, when you can dress in something non-descript? You want to rob a bank and cause confusion? Dress as a security guard. Cause havok in the streets? Wear jeans and a t-shirt while you control your death-bot. The point here is, don't make yourself a target. Showing up in costume is like wearing a sign that says "beat me" to a hero. And whatever it is you have that attracts their attention should only be an element of what you are really doing. You don't just unleash death-bots for the sake of unleashing death-bots. That's a waste. No, it's meant to be a distraction. While the hero is fighting off these monstrosities and saving the public interest...you are going to mosey over, and rob that bank/museum/laboratory...and take whatever the hell you want to take. Who did it? Who saw the bad guy? Nobody, that's who. A face in the crowd is much more likely to succeed than some dude on a hoverboard wearing a cape.

4. MENTAL INTIMIDATION

Ok, chances are that at some point, you will have to face your enemy. So, does showing up wielding a death laser necessarily intimidate? Fucks no, it doesn't. These hero's face that shit all the time. However, if you face your enemy sporting a full on erection and a humongous, phallic shaped weapon...chances are, they not only will notice, but will be extremely iffy about touching you. This effect is helped if you smile the entire time and act as if this is some kind of courtship ritual. Sexual innuendo's are your friend.

If you are well endowed, all the better. Skip the pants, chances are your nemesis won't even be able to look at you. This is called "mental intimidation". You are getting inside their head by playing on their fears that you want to get inside their other orifices. (Note: Do NOT try this shit with Superman. He's a fucking alien, and you might find the script flipped with a quickness.)

5. CHOOSING A NAME

Again, your common villain fucking loves to name themselves. Our advice...just...don't. That's stupid. If you are truly a mastermind, you should spend as much time as possible convincing people you don't exist. You should have a network of henchmen who will serve as sacrificial lambs. You should always be one rung or more higher than what the hero considers to be the "top". Sure, it's inevitable that eventually, they might catch on. If that's the case, refer to #4 on the list. But only if you have to. It's always better to just be pulling the strings. Otherwise, you'll find yourself being just another supervillain.

Another Reason Not To Live In Texas

Don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against Texas, personally.  It has that feel to it, ya know?  Where men are men, and can work on their own trucks.  Where nearly everyone owns a gun, and robbing any given house is like playing Russian roulette with a round in every chamber. They say everything in Texas is bigger. And if it's one thing Texas is known for, it's going to excess.

I've spent quite a bit of time in Texas, and maybe it's because it's such a huge friggin state...it just SEEMS more crap happens there. But this...dayam. I have to warn you, the following is a bit graphic. So, ya know...if you are easily queased out, or were pondering visiting a porn site after reading this blog...you may want to give this one a miss.

As you can see in the above link...and I am not going to mention named or anything, for those who didn't want to read the link... This guy murdered the HELL out of his wife with not one...but TWO chainsaws. How the hell is that even possible? Did one give out, and he reached for another one? Is he ambidextrous? Is he competing in the asshole Olympics?

Pictured:One chainsaw'ed wuss.

Now, before I get a bunch of emails accusing me of taking a horrible situation, and making light of it...let me say this. I find absolutely no humor whatsoever in someone murdering their wife. This is just wrong, dick like behavior. On the other hand...JESUS, two fucking chainsaws? Are you kidding me? 

I'm not trying to go off on a tangent here, but there is something very wrong with the world when one chainsaw is just absolutely in no way good enough to murder the hell out of somebody. Look at Scarface. One chainsaw was good enough for them. Nobody stopped when they had Tony Montana and his friend in tied up in the shower and said, "Wait a minute...what the hell? We only have one fucking chainsaw? Shit, this will never work." 

Tony Montana is not impressed with one chainsaw.

I think the point I'm trying to make here...and I'm pretty sure there was one before I started this rant...is that if you happen to have someone in Texas who hates you...and I do mean, really, really hates you with the kind of hate that can only be solved with a device that is used to chop down fucking trees...you should probably avoid the shit out of Texas. You'll thank me later.

Vacation

Nope, we haven't quit posting forever!

I've just been ridiculously busy late, what with vying for world control and the such. However, we will be back soon with more content!  Soooo, yeeaaah.  There's that.