Waking up In The Suburbs: The gritty Reboot

Waking Up In The Suburbs

The Anatomy of a Mastermind Part 1

People often ask (right before they get turned into a smoking pile of dust, usually)..."How do I, your everyday Joe, become an evil criminal mastermind?". Well, Joe...if that is your real name...which if it is, it's stupid, and you should change it immediately...we here at WUITS have put together a handbook of sorts, for those of you budding villains in training who would like to make something of themselves one day. This guide should not be confused with how to become a Supervillain. You can find an outstanding guide for supervillainy at The-ISS.com, where it is described in detail how best to choose your name and costume.


No, a criminal mastermind is much different than your garden variety supervillain. A Supervillain, by their very nature, is someone who has some sort of gimmick. Usually, this person started out as some kind of scientist, developed a serum or suit of some type that allowed them to cause all kinds of havoc, and have since gone on to get their asses kicked by various costumed super heroes.

This isn't always a bad thing

A Mastermind, however, is slightly more devious. You find some masterminds who have been confused with supervillains for many years. Think of say, Lex Luthor...or the Joker. The Joker, for example, is quite insane. But he doesn't generally go for a one on one battle against his nemesis. No, he knows that one on one, Batman will kick his ass every time. So, he uses his brain. He get's others to do things FOR him. He PLANS. This is what a mastermind does. He sets out creative plots to out-wit his opponent. In a way, it's like highschool all over again. Everyone LOVES the jocks (superheroes), while the more intelligent nerds (masterminds) get relegated to being picked on and stopped at every turn. Not because their nemesis is necessarily smarter, but because they can pick up a fucking dumptruck and smash the hell out of you with it. Many a good plan has gone to waste, because the mastermind...who had so painstakenly planned out his or her every move...gets smooshed at the last minute by some ridiculously overpowered hero who just happens to get lucky.

1. BECOMING THE MASTERMIND

Hot Asian assistant's are optional, but highly recommended.

It's been conjectured that every evil mastermind must have some kind of backstory that explains how they became the way they are. Usually, something tragic that made them hate the human race to a degree that is usually reserved for how woodchippers feel about wood (they really fucking HATE wood). But, the sad simple truth is...usually, your normal, everyday criminal mastermind is just generally not a people person.

Pictured: Anti-social. And possibly ridiculous.

So, you might ask..."Do you hate me, the everyday Joe who is looking to become a mastermind one day?". Well, there is a simple test. Are you breathing? If the answer is yes, then we hate you. If the answer is no, then you are some sort of fucking zombie. We hate zombies. So again, yes. Basically, if you have the nerve to exist on our planet, we probably hate you. There's no need for a long winded backstory about somebody stealing our girlfriend, or wouldn't listen to us when we knew we were smarter than our scientist brethren. That sort of thing is for chumps. A true mastermind has one goal. Power. Someone else has it, we want it. End of story.

2. AVOIDING COMMON MISTAKES: THE DEUS EX MACHINA

This is why we love Google image search.

Ok, you've went to a lot of trouble to plan something. Literally years of effort hinges upon the next few days...or in some cases, hours. Suddenly, you are faced with a hero. Shit. Suddenly, everything that makes you a genius goes right out the fucking window. This is a common mistake with Bond Villains. It's so cliche that it's been made fun of for literally years. So, why the hell do we keep capturing the hero and putting them into some sort of stupid trap? Usually leaving them right after we explain our entire plan? One word. Vanity.

When you get so bent out of shape trying to show how superior you are, mentally...there is a tendency to overthink your nemesis's demise. Sure, dropping them in a tank with a shark sounds cool as fuck, but honestly...99% of the time, these hero's pull tricks right out of their ass to save the day, and the mastermind usually ends up biting it at the last minute by falling off something high onto...or into...something extremely final. We have to be aware of the deus ex machina, and be prepared for that shit. When you just leave the hero to their own device, they ARE going to find a way out of it. No matter how laughably complex your plan, some asshole always brings shark repellent. Sometimes, a simple round to the temple is probably for the best. Unless your nemesis is fucking superman, in which case...what the FUCK were you thinking? You piss that guy off, he'll rip out your spine and sodomize you with it. 


3. COSTUMES: HOW TO DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Ok, I know we mentioned that we would not be talking about costumes. And really, we're not. The common villain might want to dress themselves up and have a secret identity, just like the hero's do. But lets face it. The hero's almost always know the villains real name, what they look like, where they grow up...because usually, they've caught these assholes before.

We do make exceptions.

A mastermind knows that less is more. Why make yourself stand out, when you can dress in something non-descript? You want to rob a bank and cause confusion? Dress as a security guard. Cause havok in the streets? Wear jeans and a t-shirt while you control your death-bot. The point here is, don't make yourself a target. Showing up in costume is like wearing a sign that says "beat me" to a hero. And whatever it is you have that attracts their attention should only be an element of what you are really doing. You don't just unleash death-bots for the sake of unleashing death-bots. That's a waste. No, it's meant to be a distraction. While the hero is fighting off these monstrosities and saving the public interest...you are going to mosey over, and rob that bank/museum/laboratory...and take whatever the hell you want to take. Who did it? Who saw the bad guy? Nobody, that's who. A face in the crowd is much more likely to succeed than some dude on a hoverboard wearing a cape.

4. MENTAL INTIMIDATION

Ok, chances are that at some point, you will have to face your enemy. So, does showing up wielding a death laser necessarily intimidate? Fucks no, it doesn't. These hero's face that shit all the time. However, if you face your enemy sporting a full on erection and a humongous, phallic shaped weapon...chances are, they not only will notice, but will be extremely iffy about touching you. This effect is helped if you smile the entire time and act as if this is some kind of courtship ritual. Sexual innuendo's are your friend.

If you are well endowed, all the better. Skip the pants, chances are your nemesis won't even be able to look at you. This is called "mental intimidation". You are getting inside their head by playing on their fears that you want to get inside their other orifices. (Note: Do NOT try this shit with Superman. He's a fucking alien, and you might find the script flipped with a quickness.)

5. CHOOSING A NAME

Again, your common villain fucking loves to name themselves. Our advice...just...don't. That's stupid. If you are truly a mastermind, you should spend as much time as possible convincing people you don't exist. You should have a network of henchmen who will serve as sacrificial lambs. You should always be one rung or more higher than what the hero considers to be the "top". Sure, it's inevitable that eventually, they might catch on. If that's the case, refer to #4 on the list. But only if you have to. It's always better to just be pulling the strings. Otherwise, you'll find yourself being just another supervillain.

Another Reason Not To Live In Texas

Don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against Texas, personally.  It has that feel to it, ya know?  Where men are men, and can work on their own trucks.  Where nearly everyone owns a gun, and robbing any given house is like playing Russian roulette with a round in every chamber. They say everything in Texas is bigger. And if it's one thing Texas is known for, it's going to excess.

I've spent quite a bit of time in Texas, and maybe it's because it's such a huge friggin state...it just SEEMS more crap happens there. But this...dayam. I have to warn you, the following is a bit graphic. So, ya know...if you are easily queased out, or were pondering visiting a porn site after reading this blog...you may want to give this one a miss.

As you can see in the above link...and I am not going to mention named or anything, for those who didn't want to read the link... This guy murdered the HELL out of his wife with not one...but TWO chainsaws. How the hell is that even possible? Did one give out, and he reached for another one? Is he ambidextrous? Is he competing in the asshole Olympics?

Pictured:One chainsaw'ed wuss.

Now, before I get a bunch of emails accusing me of taking a horrible situation, and making light of it...let me say this. I find absolutely no humor whatsoever in someone murdering their wife. This is just wrong, dick like behavior. On the other hand...JESUS, two fucking chainsaws? Are you kidding me? 

I'm not trying to go off on a tangent here, but there is something very wrong with the world when one chainsaw is just absolutely in no way good enough to murder the hell out of somebody. Look at Scarface. One chainsaw was good enough for them. Nobody stopped when they had Tony Montana and his friend in tied up in the shower and said, "Wait a minute...what the hell? We only have one fucking chainsaw? Shit, this will never work." 

Tony Montana is not impressed with one chainsaw.

I think the point I'm trying to make here...and I'm pretty sure there was one before I started this rant...is that if you happen to have someone in Texas who hates you...and I do mean, really, really hates you with the kind of hate that can only be solved with a device that is used to chop down fucking trees...you should probably avoid the shit out of Texas. You'll thank me later.

Vacation

Nope, we haven't quit posting forever!

I've just been ridiculously busy late, what with vying for world control and the such. However, we will be back soon with more content!  Soooo, yeeaaah.  There's that.

The 5 Most Insanely Haunted Places

We here at WUITS just LOVE weird stuff.  This could possibly be attributed to the fact that we watched too many Scooby Doo cartoons when we were kids, and were more than a bit disappointed that every single episode not only debunked the ghost, but made us feel stupid for overlooking such obvious clues (no, screw YOU Velma.)  So, if you're absolutely insane enough, here's six of the most insanely haunted places on earth. Why not ten?  Shut your face, that's why.

1. Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

So, for some reason you have a little traveling money, and feel like you want to go somewhere that not only has historical significance,  but is also guaranteed to make you run through underwear faster than an all you can eat Ex-Lax buffet?  Well, look no further, kiddies...Gettysburg is the place for you.  

Note: Civil War camo sucked.

The site of the most bloody battle of the civil war, there's a legend that says that as the Union soldiers were running out of ammunition, and slowly losing to the advancing confederate forces, the ghost of George Washington himself appeared and told them to go balls out to win the battle.  We're not entirely sure how true this part of Gettysburg history is, as a ghost showing up and telling us to quit being a bunch of pansies would inevitably have the opposite, as the collective smell of our crapped pants would almost certainly alert the confederates to our presence.

The whole area surrounding this famous battle still bears it's mark.  From bullets lodged in walls, to seared buildings, the history of Gettysburg is still very much alive.  There's been many sightings of the otherworldly variety in this area.  So, if you feel like trekking around there looking for signs of ghosts, you might also want to be prepared to drag those cannon ball like testes your swingin' across acres and acres of land.  

2. Whitechapel, Spittalfields/London's East End

This area of London has actually been settled since at least Roman times, and as a matter of fact, many of the current buildings are built directly on top of Roman ruins.  Back in the day, it was the home of prostitution, rowdy brawls, soldiers, sailors...it was basically London's version of the red light district.  Basically anything you wanted could be had, for the right price.  Coincidentally, it's also the location of the most notorious killstreak in history.

Woohoo!  Five kills!  Should I get the Sentry gun

or the guided missile?

During the "Autumn of Terror", five prostitutes were murdered by the notorious "Jack the Ripper".  While we don't want to go into the gory details of the who's and the why's, lets just suffice it to say that Jack the Ripper was one sick fuck with some serious mommy issues.  The mystery surrounding the murder remains unsolved, which leaves us with the head scratcher of how a nation whose law enforcement uses billy clubs rather than guns could have failed to track down a guy who literally did surgery on his victims in public.  

These days, visitors can take a walking tour of Whitechapel, and possibly bump into some of it's haunts.  Some that have been reported are mysterious black carriage with white horses, that approaches noiselessly and disappears before your eyes, a murderous sea captains ghost, a band of Roman soldiers, and of course...Jack's victims, some showing themselves in various mutilated states. So, you know...all in all, a great location for kicking back and taking it easy.  Bring the kids!  

3. Eastern State Penitentiary, Pennsylvania

When it was originally built, Eastern State was supposed to be the prototype for over 300 prisons across the nation, and was known as the "most expensive building in the country".  In operation from 1829 to 1913, the system was ran under the Quaker belief that total isolation would force the prisoners to "look inside themselves and find God".  However, it seemed to mostly have the opposite effect, making a lot of the prisoners go batshit insane.  

Exactly like this, but different.

For all but one hour a day, the prisoners were locked in a room with nothing but a bunk, toilet, table and a bible.  The only sunlight was a slit in the wall, which was called "the eye of God".  And, when the prisoners DID get out of their cells, a black hood was placed over their face so that they couldn't see any of the other prisoners.  And, while this drastically cut down on the chances of prison rape...those who were caught trying to communicate with other prisoners in any way faced the harshest of punishments.

Probably not this.  

In the 1840's, Charles Dickens visited the prison, and found the conditions to be deplorable.  He described the prisoners as being "buried alive", and told of the tortures the inmates faced at the hands of prison officials.  

Amazingly, this prison remained open until 1971.  And, although it had reformed itself since that time, the problem now consisted of overcrowding and lack of ventilation.  So, basically you were put into a cramped cell where you could barely see anything due to the lack of light, but you could tell if someone down the hall farted.  

There are lots of ghost stories at Eastern State.  One such story involves a locksmith who was removing a 140 year old lock from one of the doors.  When he did so, the door flew open, he felt an extremely negative energy...as countless horrifying faces formed on the wall, half formed bodies seemed to move everywhere, and a central form seemed to beckon him.  Some believe he had opened some kind of portal to the prisons past.  We like to think he got a hint and a half that it was time to get his happy, lock smithering ass out of there.

"Wouldn't ya know...it's get the hell out of here o'clock."

4. Underground Vaults, Edinburgh, Scotland

Rediscovered some time in the mid 1980's, the vaults below Edinburgh's South Bridge were at one time used as cellars, workshops, and residences.  However, seeing as it got excessively moist underground (go figure), the vaults were abandoned, and laid mostly forgotten for over two hundred years.

When we say "mostly forgotten", we mean that there was a certain amount of the populace...mostly the homeless derelicts that lived in the area...that had taken to using them.  And, whenever you take a huge amount of less than clean, already in questionable health, and not likely to be visiting the doctor at any time soon type people, place them in a small area...most likely, a plague is going to break out and start kicking the shit out of some poor people.  There's evidence that a great many of those people actually died in the vaults, and it's highly likely that a few of them were killed to death by other people.  So, basically like the above ground society.  Except for the fact that there was a higher chance your body would end up being sold to one of the teaching hospitals of Infirmary street by such classy individuals as Burke and Hare.  

When stealing your valuables is an afterthought,

you know you're dealing with classy individuals.

This location is said to be extremely haunted.  Many visitors to the vaults have obtained bruises, cuts, and on some occasions even been knocked unconscious or experienced extreme nausea or vomiting.  Hey, we don't like to judge or anything, but a ghost that can kick your ass until you hurl is pretty bad ass.  

Robert "The Ghost" Guerrero.  
Pretty Bad Ass.

5. Aokigahara Forest, Japan

When we think of Japan, normally we don't think of strange beasts, monsters, ghosts and goblins...no, wait...actually, we do.  And, while it's a bit of a relief to find out that Japan really does live up to our expectations (although we would like to see the ghosts and goblins get into a fight with a giant, kick ass mech), the Aokigahara Forest, which lies at the foot of Mount Fuji, is apparently no laughing matter.  Apparently, there are even some unofficial trails through the forest that are used for the annual "body hunt".

"Awwww.  How sweet.  You found a...knuckle."

The forest has reportedly been a very popular place for suicides since the publication of the Novel Kuroi Jukai (Black Sea of Trees) which ends with the main characters, a pair of lovers, committing suicide in the forest.  More than 500 people have lost their lives in the forest since the 1950's, and there's usually at least 30 deaths there annually.  Officials have even placed signs around the forest urging those who have come there to kill themselves to seek help.  

Of course, all these deaths also mean the chance of running into wandering spirits within the forest.  A great many E.V.P's and photo's have been done here, and while most evidence of paranormal activity is inconclusive, there's more than enough evidence to make our junk shrivel at the thought of going camping there.  We have to wonder how many of those deaths were suicides, or just regular people who shit themselves to death at the sight of a wandering ghost?  Either way...screw that.

Think you can write for WUITS? Then submit your best articles to revrogue@the-iss.com! We're always looking for new talent, though frankly, this is a nonpaying gig...so basically, it's for the prestige of being an interweb published writer! Hey, whats better than being web-famous?

-Rev

Think you can write for WUITS? Then submit your best articles to revrogue@rocketmail.com! We're always looking for new talent, though frankly, this is a nonpaying gig...so basically, it's for the prestige of being an interweb published writer! Hey, whats better than being web-famous?

-Rev

Think you can write for WUITS? Then submit your best articles to revrogue@the-iss.com! We're always looking for new talent, though frankly, this is a nonpaying gig...so basically, it's for the prestige of being an interweb published writer! Hey, whats better than being web-famous?

-Rev

5 Childhood Cartoons That ****** Us Up

The world we're living in has relentlessly failed to yield any of the things we feel we were promised, like hover cars, hover skate boards, and other things that hover. So we have to wonder what fooled us into having these false hopes.

We need to lay the blame squarely where it belongs: children's programming. And really, it was our horrible childhoods that led us to this position.

Here's five of the worst offenders in making us evil.

The Smurfs

Whats cuter than a mouse and the Blue Man Group put together? Why, extremely small little blue people who live in mushrooms and partake in a communist-like society, of course!

The Smurfs spent most of their time thwarting Gargamel, who for some reason deduced that tiny blue people who live in mushrooms have got to be tasty as all get out. (Editor's note: They are.)

How they fucked us up

It's no big surprise that a show with the premise that somebody is constantly trying to eat the main characters might give children nightmares. All the smurfs ever wanted to do was live in their little utopian-esque society and be left alone, but things always turned to shit when "the man" showed up.

Which makes us wonder if perhaps our fear of big government might stem from the fact that we fear people who try to constantly mess with us or eat us.

Then there is the fact that, apparently, there is only one female smurf to every 30 males. Yes...yes, I know...before you start sending in hate emails about how horribly inaccurate this is, and that Smurfette was actually created by Gargamel, I ask you this...exactly how were they reproducing BEFORE the lone chick showed up? It doesn't take Brainy smurf to figure this shit out.

Papa Smurf was cloning them. Which might explain our penchant for that very practice.

Lasting effects

Well, again we get back to the whole "fear of the man" deal. Add in the fact that we actually look at Papa Smurf as the closest thing to a philosopher and guru that our generation has had and it's pretty obvious why we've become a generation of big business hating, mushroom loving freaks.

Looney Tunes

Remember Saturday mornings, sitting in your underoos in front of the TV, watching Wile E. Coyote Chase the Road Runner? Oh, how we would laugh every time one of the coyote's plans backfired and he ended up falling off a cliff into some sort of accordion-related paralysis. Or when Sylvester the cat would build a furniture mound to get to Tweety's cage, only to find the little lisping canary at the bottom of the mound ready to knock the whole works over. Oh, there was nothing quite as amusing as this to take our minds off the fact that our Cap'n Crunch was ripping the insides of our little mouths to shreds with every bite!

How they fucked us up

Reach for the stars, kids! But ya know. Not too high. Because there is always someone much smarter than you who will gladly take that opportunity right away from you. No matter how hungry you are for that bird, sometimes it's a safe bet just to take that money you were planning on buying the ACME rocket propelled kill-o-matic with, and spending it on a couple of boxes of mac and cheese.

And again, here we see another example of big business giving us the screw. How often did we see something that ACME had produced simply not work? Or perhaps sometimes it worked really well, but left out the one extremely important safety implement that would have saved the day. Rocket powered bicycle? How about some fucking brakes there, champ?

Lasting effects

The fact that it seems all the people in power were probably degenerates that never watched Saturday morning cartoons, and possibly spent their youth watching westerns while their daddy's plotted ways to overthrow the country through manipulating big oil probably says a lot about us. We're afraid of getting smacked down when we try to reach for that really important position of authority, and thus, spend quite a larger chunk of our time reading humor sites than creating national policy.

Plus we know that big business will assuredly screw us. Watch paid programming enough, and you will see half a dozen products at any given time that will kill us in ways way more efficiently than we could think of ourselves. Your normal household knives not sharp enough to cut a metal rod? Buy yourself some Ginsu knives! Guaranteed to take out an artery much more effectively than a normal knife when your wife realizes that you're never going to be any more than a fast food manager at McDonald's and decides to off you! Now there's progress for you!

Scooby Doo

No list of this nature would be complete without the man (or dog) himself...the Scoobmeister. When our little pre-adolescent minds got a hold of this, we were simply transfixed. Admit it. You were always waiting for the ghost or monster that turned out to be real, weren't you? And there was a feeling of bitter disappointment at the end of every episode, when after the ghost of the week was revealed to be old man Withers in a costume, that:

A) You had been duped once again, and

B) No matter how hard you tried, you would NEVER look that cool for Halloween.

How they fucked us up

There are a couple of subtle messages here, kids. First of all, trust no one. Everybody from the sheriff to the local thugs has got an agenda. And when the chips are down, and everything is going to utter shit, that's when your friends are going to send your happy ass into the haunted house with a talking dog to investigate.

Which brings us to the secondary message: That you can overcome anything as long as you have the proper stimulating motivation. Lets face it, folks. It's never been a secret that those Scooby snacks had to be a helluva lot more than just dog food. Anything that's gonna mellow you out sufficiently to go face a homicidal miner 49er in an old abandoned mine shaft better have more than a slight bacon taste going for it. We're talking a straight up dose of zannies mixed with some killer weed and morphine just to keep you straight. And if your only backup if the shit does hit the fan is a dog that's just as drugged as you are is two chicks and some dude in an ascot, you're definitely gonna need something to keep your mellow on.

Lasting effects

Anybody else notice that in the last few decades the divorce rate has soared, along with the usage of multiple drugs? This little tidbit could be due to the fact that when we're in relationships now. We know it's only a matter of time before our significant other rips off their mask to reveal the horrible fucking demonic bitch that, in our heart of hearts, we were sure was there all along. And this isn't the half of it. The levels of trust for our generation has deteriorated significantly since the day of the Scoob. Quick question: anybody here picked up any hitch hikers lately? No? Thats because we know that at some point after we pick them up, out comes the razor and it's goodnight Seattle.

Then comes the drug problem. As Scooby showed us all too often, if you want to get through a difficult time, you gotta get your synthetic courage on. And hell, lets face it. Life is a scary old mine shaft, and there's a shitload of insane miner 49ers that are just waiting for the chance to punch our ticket. So why wait? There's no time like the present for getting completely smashed! After all, WWSD (What would Scooby Do)?

G.I. Joe

No afternoon could be complete without coming home from school, and tuning into the adventures of the "Real American Hero" and seeing what hijinx Cobra Commander was kicking up this week. What could be cooler than a cartoon about a military organization that was consistently at odds with a terrorist organization that was hellbent on world domination?

And with the coolest in state of the art weaponry, and some of the most badass soldiers this side of Sylvester "I'll just keep spinning out sequels until somebody flips me out of my wheelchair and beats me with it" Stallone, it's little wonder our impressionable little minds grew somewhat addicted to this show. Every week, there was a new plot that would somehow allow Cobra commander to take over the world or bring the economy to its knees. Sure, most of his plans were half baked and were put down rather quickly by the Joe team, but hell, at least he tried, right?

How they fucked us up

Oh, wow. We're not even sure where to start. To begin with, remember all those cool vehicles and weapons we mentioned earlier? Well, apparently, they were completely worthless. As highly trained as these Joes were, they just could not seem to ever actually hit anything aside from a vehicle or an exploding barrel of some sort. And apparently these little laser guns of theirs were also programmed not to actually hit said vehicle until the occupant had bailed out. Wow! Those are pretty smart weapons! And to think, if those Cobra guys had been just a little smarter than that and just stayed in the Dual-tread Death Bringer Mobile, it may have never gotten blown up! Man those Cobras are stupid!

But, well, maybe we were a little dumb too. Because we never questioned why Cobra commander apparently lived in the United States, had millions of dollars in equipment and his own military at his disposal, and yet he was harder to find than Osama Bin Laden even though everybody in his terrorist organization wore prominent logos. Not only that, but whenever the shit hit the fan and double C had to run for his life. nobody ever followed him! Really, this is just poor planning, if you ask us. If you just spent a good deal of your time chasing down Cobra Commander because he had found a way to destroy the worlds economy, and he escapes from his hideout in a jetpack, wouldn't you follow that motherfucker? I mean hell, at least get an idea which direction he's headed in. Get an Apache or something to trail him! Something!

But no. As you see in the image to the left, it looks as if Duke is about to scream something along the lines of "NOOOOOOOOOO" upon Cobra Commander's latest escape. But don't be so quick with the comforting there, Scarlett. He's just going to quip a joke, and the rest of you are going to stand around laughing about it as Cobra Commander jets off into the sunset more pissed off than ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, we think we've just put our finger on why we've yet to capture Osama Bin Laden.

Lasting effects

Okay, let's play a little game here for a moment. Pretend you are a 9 year old boy, and you and your best friend are in the bathroom, playing with the stuff under the sink. Suddenly, out of nowhere a large black man in fatigues appears at your bathroom window (which is conspicuously open for some reason) and begins to lecture you on playing with the stuff under the sink. Sure, the guy is Road Block from G.I. Joe, but that doesn't change the fact that the government is clearly watching everything you do.

Yes, it's true. Big brother is now officially watching you! How do we know? Because at the end of every single episode of the show, it would show kids doing everything from getting into fights after school to playing with their father's handgun in the closet, and mysteriously a Joe team member would show up and read them the riot act for being so fucking stupid.

Of course the kids would do the obligatory "Gee, thanks Road Block!" Which is kid for "Please get the hell out of here before mom comes home and finds a stranger in the bathroom with her kids!" to which Road Block would reply, "And KNOWING is half the battle!"

Which, ironically, became Bush's battle cry when he began legalizing phone tapping and what not for homeland security usage.

So, I think I'm seeing a pattern here. The government keeps blowing money on military equipment that is largely as ineffective as it's military strategy, knows every single thing Jim Bob citizen does, and is fighting an enemy that we can't find.

Fuck, that's eerie.

Care Bears

Okay, quite frankly, we're not going to spend a lot of time on this one. This may have been something your little sister watched. Or, possibly it was forced upon you as some form of torture. In either case, lets make this quick.

How they fucked us up

Ok...so. Cute.

Reality.

Adorable.

....I just crapped myself.

Lasting effects

The lasting impression that for some reason, bears are cuddly little critters. But we guarantee you, that if you dyed a bear hot pink and stapled a heart to it's chest, that fucker is still going to eat you. Slowly. Beginning with your testicles.

revrogue@rocketmail.com

Think you can write for WUITS? Then submit your best articles to revrogue@the-iss.com! We're always looking for new talent, though frankly, this is a nonpaying gig...so basically, it's for the prestige of being an interweb published writer! Hey, whats better than being web-famous?

-Rev

Think you can write for WUITS? Then submit your best articles to revrogue@the-iss.com! We're always looking for new talent, though frankly, this is a nonpaying gig...so basically, it's for the prestige of being an interweb published writer! Hey, whats better than being web-famous?

-Rev